Tuesday, October 25, 2016


I remember once being restless, looking for something to make my life better.

Now I can't imagine what material object could possibly make my life better (or how I ever thought it possible).

Here is a truth: depression means a loss of scale. Little chores become insurmountable tasks, huge problems become so abstract as to become almosy meaningless; sometimes the decisions involved in the act of, say, feeding yourself, feel totally overwhelming. Losing your sense of scale means that all problems become equally crushing.

Here is another: happiness works much the same way. Today there is coffee in my cup and beautiful, beautiful children, and water against my skin and sunshine on my face and today they are all equal cause for joy. They are inseparable, and it would be impossible to discern which contributes the most happiness to this wonderful, amazing, wild and precious life.

Thursday, October 20, 2016


Last week, out of the blue, my wonky ear started killing me. The next day it was bad enough that Amy called in a prescription,  and confirmed that yes - I not only had swimmer's ear but an inner ear infection as well. :(

Things I've learned this week: apparently, I have tilted ear canals (perfect, right?); wearing ear plugs sucks (they're much more uncomfortable than I ever imagined); there are more treatments for swimmer's ear than I ever wanted to know, and they all suck, also (hydrogen peroxide, alcohol, alcohol mixed with vinegar,  drying your ear out with a hairdryer,  a garlic clove placed at the entrance to the ear canal (ick!), Eucalyptus oil rubbed behind the ear for pain (this is actually awesome)... but mostly staying out of the water. Three days and counting. I'm gonna die.

Also, my equilibrium is well and truly shot. I put some hydrogen peroxide drops in my ear earlier today and a minute later as I was walking through the kitchen I almost couldn't stand.  I spent a few minutes holding onto a wall trying to act nonchalant and as though clutching a wall while trying not to fall over was completely normal, (I think the kids bought it) while also trying not to throw up (because the wave of nausea was right behind the dizziness).

Bah. I hate it.