I just realized that this is the last night in November.
Good. Let it be over.
It's a bitter, vengeful sort of gladness.
Lately I feel - almost constantly - like I'm just failing as a human being. I'm always doing a thousand things and I don't have the time (or, truthfully, the physical/mental/emotional energy) to do any of them well. I can think of literally hundreds of ways I'm failing every. single. day. And some of these are deeply important ways.
I should remember to actually text my friend who's going through a health crisis, and tell her how often she's on my heart, how often I pray for her. I've been virtually radio silent. I should spend ten minutes a day with each triplet working on letter and number recognition (why is this so impossibly hard to make happen?!). I should set up a station for Mason so he can be self - directed in the mornings; I know exactly how it should be organized but the act of actually creating it seems overwhelming. I should do more arts and crafts and science and geography projects with the kids. (I'm really, really failing here. Almost laughably.)
I should mail the baby gift to Matt and Jess before the baby turns a year old.
I haven't written a thank-you note to anyone all year, and I've only barely kept up with birthdays. (I just had a small panic attack typing that because I was suddenly convinced that somebody had a birthday on December first and I was screwed. But no. The first of the December birthdays - all seven of them! - is not until next week, thank God.)
I should write better lesson plans and keep better track of which drills and ideas we're using. I should watch the videos Casey sent me - like eight hours worth, of which I have watched about forty minutes. I should figure out some weak spots I could put some attention towards but for the love of God I can't even keep up with everything I have going right now.
As busy as it is, December might be my salvation. There's a break in there somewhere, and I so desperately need my feet under me again. I just need a pause, a break, a time to regroup. I'm grasping at straws here but I need a spark of energy - a new year, another semester, a fresh go.