Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Let It Be Over

I just realized that this is the last night in November.

Good. Let it be over.

It's a bitter, vengeful sort of gladness.

Lately I feel - almost constantly - like I'm just failing as a human being. I'm always doing a thousand things and I don't have the time (or, truthfully, the physical/mental/emotional energy) to do any of them well. I can think of literally hundreds of ways I'm failing every. single. day. And some of these are deeply important ways.
I should remember to actually text my friend who's going through a health crisis, and tell her how often she's on my heart, how often I pray for her. I've been virtually radio silent. I should spend ten minutes a day with each triplet working on letter and number recognition (why is this so impossibly hard to make happen?!). I should set up a station for Mason so he can be self - directed in the mornings; I know exactly how it should be organized but the act of actually creating it seems overwhelming. I should do more arts and crafts and science and geography projects with the kids.  (I'm really, really failing here. Almost laughably.)

I should mail the baby gift to Matt and Jess before the baby turns a year old. 

I haven't written a thank-you note to anyone all year, and I've only barely kept up with birthdays. (I just had a small panic attack typing that because I was suddenly convinced that somebody had a birthday on December first and I was screwed.  But no. The first of the December birthdays - all seven of them! - is not until next week, thank God.)

I should write better lesson plans and keep better track of which drills and ideas we're using.  I should watch the videos Casey sent me - like eight hours worth, of which I have watched about forty minutes. I should figure out some weak spots I could put some attention towards but for the love of God I can't even keep up with everything I have going right now.

As busy as it is,  December might be my salvation. There's a break in there somewhere, and I so desperately need my feet under me again. I just need a pause,  a break, a time to regroup. I'm grasping at straws here but I need a spark of energy - a new year, another semester, a fresh go.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Holiday Bucket List

1. Make a holiday craft
*2. Drink something festive
*3. Listen to Christmas music
4. Go see Christmas lights
*5. Buy wrapping paper
6. Search for positivity
*7. Donate to a good cause
8. Read the Christmas story
9. Listen to A Christmas Carol
10. Mail Christmas cheer
*11. Gather with friends
12. Take a nap and stay up late wrapping presents
*13. Buy pine oil for the diffuser
*14. Go to a special service
*15. Give thanks
*16. Decorate
*17. Add a new Christmas CD
18. Clean and purge
*19. Leave a message
20. Buy new pj's
21. Watch or read "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" with the triplets
22. Take Abby on a donuts-and-hot-chocolate date
23. Pick out Christmas cards
24. Go to bed early
25. Write thank-you notes for the team
26. Random act of kindness
27. Bake for loved ones
28. Make a resolution
29. Spend time with siblings who are home for Christmas

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Five Quick Takes

1) At the start of the season,  I downloaded the Meet Mobile app. So now I can sit at home and watch my kids' times pop up even when they're there and I'm at home coughing up my lungs. So very cool!

2) I switched practice groups this week (I'll be working more with the middle group of swimmers) and loved it. Tons of new stuff going on that I'd never seem before, and I walked away with lots of ideas I wanted to steal or modify for my kids. I told the coach I was working under to "teach me everything" and she took me seriously and let me ask a thousand questions without ever getting annoyed. ;) But none of that made me as happy as the fact that the next day I got mobbed by younger kids wanting to know why I'd crossed the deck, and was I coming back? I've had some serious doubts about my role here in general, and it was reassuring to feel missed.

3) Also - I found out this week (to my great surprise!) that getting pulled to work with me is considered a plus. Who knew?!

4) Lastly, I've been thinking lately how I've shed so many labels in the last few years. Baptist. Republican. "Biblical patriarchy." I've come to think that labels on peoppe are mostly about giving you the ability to define "us" versus "them". When you give them up, suddenly you're forced to evaluate people as the complex,  nuanced creatures they are. It's made me a better person,  and I'm grateful.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

More life, lately

Projects I've been working on: finally got my bed curtain hung on a real curtain rod. Liked it so much that I went ahead and bought enough material to finish putting up curtains on all the windows (and good thing I did, because I really love that print and it was the last bolt they had, with exactly as much as I needed, AND it was discontinued). I bought a magnetic strip to hang my kitchen knives on (can't wait to get it up and installed!). Started tiling the vanity backsplash (need to buy trim pieces and finish it off).

Projects I need to be working on: coach roster for new session. Getting everything winterized before it gets cold enough to be a miserable chore.

Projects I want to be working on: pulling out my dinette and sofa and putting down new flooring. I have a vision now, I'm pretty excited. Just need to figure out where I can stash the removed pieces...

Enjoying: the cooler weather. Mason sounding out words ALL BY HIMSELF. Getting to spend some one on one time with one of my special needs swimmers,  and just getting to enjoy her since none of her classmates showed up. Impromptu team dinner last night (no one showed up for the final class, so we knocked off early (with permission!) and went out for sushi). Kombucha and coffee.

Listening to: lots of classical music (even the kids are near, usually a Beethoven's Wig album). The Girl On The Train via Audible (ack! So amazing!). The pool filter at work, which is unusually loud lately.

Laughing at: one of my coaches who had a kid last night who refused to stop crying because she was cold. The coach told her the pool was cold because Elsa had been swimming in it, and the tears stopped. (Although the kid did ask at the end of class if we could PLEASE ask Elsa to STOP swimming in our pool.) ;)

Thinking about: the weekend. I think we're going to sell the boat. :( How badly I just want to skate through today without hearing/seeing any election news. Someone being very gracious to me during an awkward conversation, and how deeply I appreciated it. How less stressed I am after the awkward conversation!

Tuesday, October 25, 2016


I remember once being restless, looking for something to make my life better.

Now I can't imagine what material object could possibly make my life better (or how I ever thought it possible).

Here is a truth: depression means a loss of scale. Little chores become insurmountable tasks, huge problems become so abstract as to become almosy meaningless; sometimes the decisions involved in the act of, say, feeding yourself, feel totally overwhelming. Losing your sense of scale means that all problems become equally crushing.

Here is another: happiness works much the same way. Today there is coffee in my cup and beautiful, beautiful children, and water against my skin and sunshine on my face and today they are all equal cause for joy. They are inseparable, and it would be impossible to discern which contributes the most happiness to this wonderful, amazing, wild and precious life.

Thursday, October 20, 2016


Last week, out of the blue, my wonky ear started killing me. The next day it was bad enough that Amy called in a prescription,  and confirmed that yes - I not only had swimmer's ear but an inner ear infection as well. :(

Things I've learned this week: apparently, I have tilted ear canals (perfect, right?); wearing ear plugs sucks (they're much more uncomfortable than I ever imagined); there are more treatments for swimmer's ear than I ever wanted to know, and they all suck, also (hydrogen peroxide, alcohol, alcohol mixed with vinegar,  drying your ear out with a hairdryer,  a garlic clove placed at the entrance to the ear canal (ick!), Eucalyptus oil rubbed behind the ear for pain (this is actually awesome)... but mostly staying out of the water. Three days and counting. I'm gonna die.

Also, my equilibrium is well and truly shot. I put some hydrogen peroxide drops in my ear earlier today and a minute later as I was walking through the kitchen I almost couldn't stand.  I spent a few minutes holding onto a wall trying to act nonchalant and as though clutching a wall while trying not to fall over was completely normal, (I think the kids bought it) while also trying not to throw up (because the wave of nausea was right behind the dizziness).

Bah. I hate it.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

In The Now

- Diffusing clove, cinnamon, black pepper, and orange oil. Smells like autumn.

- Appreciating the cooler weather. Keeping the windows open all day. It was 60° inside this morning when I woke up which was lovely.

- There's never enough time, never enough money. In general, this doesn't bother me until I'm sad, and then it makes me feel like I've failed as a person.

- Drinking a venti flat white. Appreciating how a hefty dose of caffeine makes me feel less miserable for a few hours.

- Dealing with back pain and joint pain and brain fog. Totally unable to sort out what's due to stress, what's due to all the gluten I ate after life started to feel unmanageable, and what's due to injury.

- Crying a lot, especially towards the end of the week. I had a panic attack on Thursday night (first one I've had in YEARS). Right now I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep dealing with it, while also being kind to myself and also not let down any of the many folks who are depending on me in one way or another. Bah. I'm so tired.