Monday, January 12, 2015

Welcome Back To Life

It is January twelfth, and I'm just now going back to my regularly scheduled life.

Actually, to be brutally honest, I still feel like I'm on vacation since I don't go back to working job #3 until Wednesday.

I've had three weeks of a slower pace (only working one job each day), which included a mini vacation, lots of free time, and tons of sleep.

I can't remember the last time I've been so unbusy for so long a stretch.

I've been lazy. I've been quiet.

I've been alone, for long glorious stretches.

I've been near people I love.

It's been good.

Contrast this with the last three weeks before everything slowed down, and even I am sort of shocked at the sudden turnaround. I'm just going to say it - I was miserable. Depression was looming over me, I spent most of my time running frantically from one thing to another, trying to keep it all together, trying to not slip and fall and let someone down. I had some issues with people that I resented having to deal with. Everywhere I turned were people who all wanted something from me - time, attention, affirmation, etc, etc, etc. I had a moment where someone hit me, emotionally, when I was already down, and it took days (ok, weeks) to recover.

In the middle of this, I realized I was in trouble, and I turned to God and begged for wisdom.
And it was as though He didn't hear me.

That's not what you're supposed to say, right?

You're supposed to say "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all liberally... and it shall be given him" or "The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth" and "... that, if we ask anything... He hears us."

But that wasn't what it felt like. While I still felt the presence of God in an intimate way, I also felt like He knew the answer (duh) and just wouldn't tell me, even as I grew increasingly desperate for the knowledge. I wanted to know how to sort through everything that was being thrown at me, and instead I was hearing "wait." I didn't want to wait. But I did.

And then, suddenly, just like that, when I'd almost given up, were the answers that I'd been looking for. Suddenly. Plainly. With no fuss or muss, just a quiet assurance that this was what I'd been asking for, and a sudden accompanying peace about the decisions that would follow.

I'm not really going to say anything more about those decisions, because some of those decisions include saying goodbye to some things that have run their course in this season of my life. Closing doors - even when it's the right thing, even when you're 100% sure that it's part of God's perfect plan - is still hard. I'm still thinking, but I am grateful for the experience - the going from turmoil to peace in such a short time. Just in time for the holidays, no less. Grateful for the rest - emotional and physical - that followed.

I've been able to recharge on all levels. Renew myself creatively. Do some writing. Hang out. Sleep in. Organize. Clean. Get ahead (for once!) in projects. Listen to music. Read. Pray. Praise. 

Life goes on. I'm realistic enough to know that this is not the new normal, that pretty soon I'll be head-over-heels in life again, and that my truck (and probably my house, and also sometimes my self) will be a mess again. But I know I'll be happy. I'll be right where God wants me. I'll be running around like a crazy person, wondering how I'm still on my feet even while I know how I am.

And you know what?

I'm ready.


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